Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Once upon a time, the world's richest man was a vampire with sparkly skin

Today I was perusing through Forbes.com when I discovered a hidden gem. Tucked away among serious business stories about plummeting stocks and lingering unemployment, I discovered this. Quite possibly the best real fake news article ever written.

Yes, it was published way back in April, but that doesn’t make it any less awesome. Yes, awesome. Just knowing that some of the people over at Forbes don’t take themselves too seriously makes me smile. The fact that someone (Michael Noer, I salute you) took the time to crunch fake numbers and do a detailed background check on fictional characters is pretty fantastic. Even better, they come out with a new list every year. I wish all companies could be that cool.

I now present to you The Forbes Fictional Fifteen (with a few of my favorite excerpts from the slideshow copy). Happy reading!

1. Carlisle Cullen—Net worth: $34.1 billion.
Best line: “Made shrewd long-term investments in steel, gold, oil, thanks to prescience of daughter turned financial advisor Alice; saw recessions coming, invested early in Wal-Mart. Earned doctor's salary for 340 years without paying for groceries, health care expenses.”

2. Scrooge McDuck—Net worth: $33.5 billion.
Best line: “Gains were crimped because of money spent having adventures with three nephews and bumbling personal pilot.”

3. Richie Rich—Net worth: $11.5 billion.
Best line: "The boy once known for his extravagant parties (hot dogs sprinkled with gold dust, lemonade cooled with chunks of arctic ice cap) has been missing from Richville social scene since June: reportedly still mourning death of close friend and "spiritual advisor" Michael Jackson."

4. Tony Stark—Net worth: $8.8 billion

5. Jed Clampett—Net worth: $7.2 billion

6. Adrian Veidt “Ozymandias”—Net worth: $7 billion

7. Bruce Wayne—Net worth: $6.5 billion

8. The Tooth Fairy—Net worth: $3.9 billion
Best line: “Rumored to sell baby teeth to gray-market Chinese labs researching human cloning; other theories hold teeth are an ingredient in Colonel Sander's secret Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe.”

9. Thurston Howell III (Gilligan’s Island)—Net worth: $2.1 billion

10. Sir Topham Hatt (Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends)—Net worth: $2 billion

11. Artemis Fowl II—Net worth: $1.9 billion

12. C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons)—Net worth: $1.3 million
Best line: “Hobbies include taunting immigrant laborers, stealing candy from babies, making fur clothing out of puppies.”

13. Charles “Chuck” Bartholomew Bass (oh yeah, he’s Chuck Bass)—Net worth: $1.1 billion
Best line: “Obtained trademark on phrase "I'm Chuck Bass." Daytime wardrobe embraces three P's--purple, plaid and preppy. For night, three V's--vests, velvet and Valentino.”

14. Jay Gatsby—$1 billion

15. Lucille Bluth (Arrested Development)—$950 million
Best line: “Said to have squirreled away millions in Swiss bank accounts and inside the walls of family run frozen banana stand.”

And they all lived happily ever after. With their billions. And now the Duck Tales theme song is in my head (Ducktales, woo hoo).

10 comments:

dating diva said...

Haha this is amazing! I love that Scrooge Mcduck is included.

-Delilah

♥Ash said...

Interesting! But I don't get how Sir Topham Hatt figured in the list.

Dree said...

Love this!!

Mrs. Lady said...

This is great

Aeona said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

E said...

hahaha awesome! love it!

LaNeshe said...

I would expect Ozymandias to be closer to the top lol.

Kelsey said...

glad to see Chuck Bass made the cut!

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