Last week, I said to WG2: "Is it bad that sometimes I think 'I wonder if I'd be happier if I lost my job and could figure out my dream and then follow it?'"
To which she replied: "That was like when I would walk down the street be like 'Hmmm, I think I would rather work at this Chinese restaurant than go to my job today."
I know that my statement is an awful thing to say in this economy when people are losing jobs everyday but it's honestly something that's crossed my mind and I feel it has for valid reasons.
I truly have no idea what I want I really want to do with my life. In college, I wanted to be a psychologist, then a journalist, I wanted to study sociology or french. I landed in publishing by way of journalism. As a marketing intern for a women's magazine, I thought I found what I loved, what I wanted to do for my career. I began setting goals to make that happen and I eventually landed my sales assistant job and eventually my marketing assistant job.
My boyfriend has known what he's wanted to do since he was five. Both of his parents are journalists and he's been preparing to go into the family business since he was a munchkin. He has late hours, works on the weekends, doesn't get paid nearly half as much as he should for the work he puts into his job and works with some grumpy old men, but he loves being a sports writer. I don't know anyone with the dedication and love for their job that he has. So you can imagine my frustration being around someone who knows exactly what they want to do, is doing it and loves it.
For a while, I thought I had found that when I moved to the marketing department at work. It was creative and fun. I thought that I was on my way to starting a long and successful career in publishing. But I'm growing more and more frustrated with this industry everyday. Because business is slow there is less for me to do and the projects I that I do have are unfulfilling. I could go on for quite a while explaining these projects and every frustration I have with them, but I'll bore you with that another day.
These days, the smallest issue or slightest jab from a client sets me off. I used to be excited and inspired by the marketing department's weekly status meeting, these days I'm bored and don't contribute. I want out but there isn't a chance I'd find a job and having no clue what I want to do next doesn't help. The economy is somewhat of a blessing in disguise; I have a job and I can try to take this time to figure out what's next for me. But I find it difficult to be inspired by anything else when I'm completely drained by work every night and weekend.
While one part of me wants to figure out my dream, another part of me thinks the practical thing to do is stick with what I'm doing and suck it up. I know what I'm doing here and I think I'm good at it. If I'm dedicated I can make my way up the ladder and be successful in the monetary sense. This practical part of me is strongly influenced by the fact that my boyfriend (who I'm pretty much in it for the long haul with) has his dream and it's not exactly the most lucrative one. Let me just say that I'm by no means "all about money" but I do know what I would like for my future and that requires some money.
I feel like I'm in limbo with no direction and zero motivation...