Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I'll Have Some Tongue With My Coffee Please

It's a Saturday night in college. I'm at our local senior bar casually drinking my vodka 180 and contemplating double fisting this evening and ordering a Bud Light. One of the beloved senior couples comes crashing into me and I witness a full on make-out session. This occurred on a nightly basis (with maybe the couple would change from time to time) and I came to expect it like one would expect for the printer to stop working once you need to make copies for a super important meeting.

I never thought though that after graduating college I would witness these daily macking moments soberly on my daily transportation to and from work. Obviously I have seen my fair share of PDA in my 23 years - sometimes a quick peck on the cheek or even things that have made me blush. Lately I feel as though PDA has taken a turn for the worse to the point where I can see taste buds, yes taste buds. 

Maybe it's because I'm single, but I just don't understand the need for all the morning foreplay before the work day begins. It starts with hand holding, whispering in each other's ears and quickly turns to making out four subway stations before you have to say goodbye. Newsflash to my fellow subway riders: this is not an airport and you will see each other in 8 hours. In most cases, I'm guessing you exhibitionists co-habitat from that huge diamond ring her left hand so can we leave the Slobber Fest '08 in the bedroom? 

And it's not so much that they'll see each other soon (since you never know what can happen in 8 hours), but what bothers me the most about subway PDA is the fact that the morning rush means that a lot of bodies are going to be crushed into one small car that is hurtling underground. In my experience and during my intense research, these couples rarely hold onto things (the male thinking he is manly enough to keep them both standing), which causes a lot of bumping, falling, and awkwardness for those around said couple. Not to mention that I'm usually close enough to the twosome that if they asked me to join them in a "triple kiss" that it wouldn't be out of the question (that is if I wanted to join). 

It's possible I'm just being bitter (very possible), but I don't think I'm wrong when I ask that the subway PDA be kept to minimum. My rules are simple to adhere to and I think they should be etched into every subway car in New Jersey and New York. 

1. No tongue before 3 p.m. 
2. Hold onto something so you don't step on my new heels fourteen times on our way to 23rd street (and each other does not count).
3. Keep the slurping noises to a minimum - as in none. 
4. Licking of ears. Yikes. Just no. Not okay.

4 simple rules. That's it folks. That's all I'm asking. 

Or maybe we should just institute an "all couples" car? Thoughts? 

12 comments:

Bayjb said...

We have something similar in the mornings in Chicago called "cuddlers" who don't make out (phew) but must be in physical contact with each other no matter what, usually inconveniencing others. I hate those people in the a.m., go to work or go back to bed.

Caz said...

Yeah Hi seriously! I agree. And I'm even part of a couple! When I used to work in Vancouver I'd watch this one (very mismatched as she was about 5'2" and he was easily 6'4") make out passionately for about 5 minutes in the middle of a very busy shopping centre/mall. Right in front of every grumpy customer patiently waiting for their Starbucks, they'd suck face before reluctantly parting and sending many longing glances over their shoulders before heading off in different directions. And it's not like this was their one-minute-a-day-together clandestine affair, they walked in from the train hand in hand (and obviously) lived together.
It has got to stop!!!
In general I'm not much of a PDA person. While I am part of a couple, I don't approve of making out in public (drunken dancefloor and (with discretion!)airport makeouts are excepted) or much of any affection besides hand-holding, a quick kiss and/or the occasional cuddle/arm around the shoulder/waist/etc.

None of this taking up the whole sidewalk because you can't bear to be separated, walking with your hands in each others pockets, or ear-licking, feeding each other, etc. etc. I hate it and pretty much equate it with immature relationships and insecure people. I don't take the people who demonstrate thoese behaviours, or their relationship seriously.

What's worse, my brother is one of those people. Gag, barf, ew.

Athena said...

people publicly lick ears??? thats kind of gross.
ok, I get embarrassed about holding hands in public, so call me old fashioned, but... I'll live by your four simple rules, hows that?

said...

Ear licking!!! Are you freakin kidding me!! Ok. Honestly. I'm actually a big fan of CUTE TASTEFUL PDA. Hand holding, ok. A peck goodbye, cute. Even a little butt squeezing can be fine if done tastefully. But, NEVER EVER should anything be being LICKED in public.

COME ON PEOPLE!!!!

AMBER14 said...

This exact thing happened to me this morning on the bus! I was sitting next to a couple who was in a five minute long embrace. I guess these tactless couples don't care what they are riding.(That's what she said)

Working Girl One said...

I wish you all knew WG2 and knew the faces/looks she gives people when she is completely disgusted with them. I'm surprised one look from WG2 doesn't make couples stop making out forever.

JK said...

That is really disgusting. It made me throw up a little in my mouth.

Redhead said...

hahah I agree. However I have not witnessed it too bad. I once was on the PATH train and HS kids ran for the seats. I was right by the end and some guy sat down and had a girl ON HIS LAP. Obvs tight space for me. He didn't understand why I didn't want to talk to him either. Can HS students be banned from the subway/path too?

Ashley said...

UGGGHHH I absolutely hate the slurping noises! Even when I'm on one side of that kiss! Yuck. I'm not a morning kisser... I'm a morning coffee drinker/even though I just brushed my teeth I'm self-conscience about my breath. I think your rules are well in reason!

Meg said...

I remember seeing a lot of this too when I was commuting on the PATH train.

But the time I just spent in Belgium was SO MUCH WORSE. It's as if people didn't realize they were in public. It almost got to be a contest as to who could report the most explicit PDA on their way to school...

dez said...

not the right day to write a comment, but i like your blog...well written...and if u like to write a HUMOUR STORY, just go over to Open Humour Blog (key this in google). or, read some humour stories there

desmond macedo

kate said...

You working girls always know what to say and what to write about. I think that your rules are deff. good becuase no one wants to watch them or hear them macking... GROSS. like honestly go swap spit somewhere else like your own home not in public.!
<3 kate